circuit electronic power

Weight: 173

Intake: Way too much.

Gah Iapos;m a huge cow. Binged a ton. Disgusting with myself. I canapos;t believe how nasty Iapos;ve become. I just want to rewind to November and be back down to 141. I canapos;t believe Iapos;ve gained so much weight And all I do is bitch all the time.

At least I have my letter for CE now. I need to turn it in this week so I can get cracking on my hours.

I should be purging right now. But instead Iapos;m still eating. Stuffing my face. Iapos;ve eating close to an entire box of saltines. Iapos;ve had cookies, cereal, more cookies, cupcakes, icecream. Completely nasty. Iapos;m pissing myself off so much right now. I need to quit eating, quit convincing myself Iapos;m allowed to eat, and get back to starving. Works much better that way. *sigh*

Iapos;m so sick of fighting with myself. I know I can do this. Grrrr. I binged and purged several times today. My whole body seems to reek of vomit. I guess I deserve that. I gross myself out and Iapos;m sure many others as well. I canapos;t wait until I have internet again. I binged so much less then. And I wish I had my gym membership, and to be working of course.

I want my chaotic life back so I have less time to eat and less time to even THINK about food. I canapos;t keep living like this. I need to learn how to say NO and mean it. Because right now all I do is give in. I hate it. And my chest has been hurting all damn day. I need to take my potassium still.

Some days I wish I would just have the heart attack and get it over with. If I die, I die. I just need to be thin. I need to get away from food. It haunts me everywhere. I may fast for a few days and do my internal cleanse. Weapos;ll see. Blah. What a lame ass life. Pathetic. Half of the time I donapos;t even want to wake up in the morning. I could care less tonight. I hate everything that the moment. Irsquo;m sure I wouldnapos;t be missed by many. At least then I could stop hurting everyone around me. It would be one last pain and I would be gone. The only reason I havenapos;t done it yet is because of my mom finding me and my own fire department taking me in. Neither of which I want.

I want to cut so bad. I havenapos;t in quite a while. I donapos;t even care if I need stitches. The only thing is that I need CE hours and Iapos;ve just been given my letter of extension. Irsquo;m really hoping I can knock out at least my fire department shit by the end of the month. Well things I CAN get done. A few of the things will require a burndown. *sigh* It shouldnapos;t be too bad getting my CE hours. I do need to contact the National Registry to try and get an extension as well so I can get my ACLS.

Ugh. All this shit stresses me out like crazy. As does my house. My mom is constantly getting on my case. And she even made Andie cry today She confuses me so much. First she canapos;t wait to leave. Then she talks about getting a bed for her room. Whatever. I just want an income so I can finish the house. But with how my luck is, it will be a long time before that will happen. I canapos;t believe none of the fire departments/PSSI/hospitals have come through yet. Itapos;s all just one big slap in the face.

I just wish my life would be okay for a day or even a week. Every day is just more time to feel like shit and feel used and agitated. Everything would be better if I was thin. Ugh Andie and I went to the OA meeting at Highland Park on the 16th. It was okay. Definitely different from ANAD. Oh well. Iapos;m a waste of time and space in both groups because I have no desire to get better. I donapos;t care what I have to do to get skinny. I donapos;t care how much it hurts. Such is life. Getting fat hurt too. At least getting thin serves a purpose. UGH. I canapos;t stop smelling fucking vomit Completely nasty. I hate that. I just want to be anorexic and not have to worry about puking all the time. I donapos;t even care if I need a tube. Thatapos;s better than being FAT. End. Of. Story.

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